Ex-etiquette: Often, it's just her and 5 sons

Q: My husband's sons live with us about 40% of the time and I have my three sons full time. My husband works in another city during the week, so it is sometimes only me and 5 boys. Now his ex says we need to have the kids 50/50 (and the kids want this as well), and even though my husband is out of town a lot, she still thinks it's his responsibility to take the kids. In reality it will be me looking after them and I feel that I am doing as much as I can, so I have refused. Am I being unreasonable? What's good ex-etiquette?

A: I always find it amusing when someone asks me if they are being unreasonable. Has your husband accused you of being unreasonable or is this a guilt trip you are laying on yourself?

I have said many times, if your partner has children, there is always a chance you will end up being a full-time bonus parent. Don't be surprised if down the road that percentage gets even higher.

Most of the time, I hear that parents want more time with their kids, and most feel that any additional time should be spent with the birth parent, not the bonus parent. Yet in your case, mom doesn't seem to mind that you are the primary caregiver when the kids are with you. That makes me wonder if she has someone new in her life and wants more free time, or it could be she just needs a breather.

Looking outside the box for a solution, 10% is not much more time and may just mean dad's weekends don't end on Sunday but are extended to Monday morning to school. If that's where the increase comes from and dad travels during the week, he could be home on Sunday evening and it won't just be up to you to take care of all the kids.

Sounds to me like you all need to have an honest discussion as to what that 10% increase really means. It could end up being insignificant in the big picture—and it could not only make the weekend transition a little easier on the children, but take the burden from you, plus offer dad a little more quality time with the boys.

If the boys are approaching middle school or high school, that's the time when children start to gravitate to the same gender parent. That means it may not be his ex but the boys who want more time with dad. With that in mind, it may be time for dad to take a look at how much time he spends away from home and how it is affecting his relationship with you and his children.

More importantly it's time to take a hard look at your reasons for your refusal. If you are overwhelmed or feel you are being taken advantage of, don't let that fester. Figure out the real reason and discuss it openly.

You are not the only parent in this scenario. There are three parent figures in your bonus family. Everyone should do their part, beginning with the bio parents. (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 4, "Parents make the rules, bonus parents uphold them.") That’s good ex-etiquette.